How shallow am I?

by - 00:50

I think it's funny how I always have a title for my stories, articles or anything I write before I start writing it. It shows that I know the message I want to send before even writing it.


It has been a while since my last post, to be exact one year. I always write when I am really sad or when I am really happy. So today I am not happy at all and I am not proud about what brings me here.


A few years ago I watched a movie called A Walk Among the Tombstones starring Liam Neeson and some kid that I don't remember the real name, his character name was TJ. I don't even remember what the movie was about but there was this particular character TJ that has been in my memory for some time. A black kid with sick cell disease spent all his time in the library learning about new stuff especially about the disease. I felt for him the minute he said that. I have known this disease for years and I was always interested in it because I like to know and understand things and when I don't understand something I become obsessed with it. I couldn't understand why people got it, why is it a random thing, like I know u could have it if your father has it, but how your father got the disease in the first place?


I have read several definitions of the disease but personally, it doesn't make sense. Back to the movie, the boy spent time in the library searching for information about the disease and he mentioned that disease came from Africa in an attempt to preventing malaria people were told to take shots and those injections started spreading a virus that in one way or another turn to what we know today as Sick cell.


"Malaria is a serious and sometimes fatal disease caused by a parasite that commonly infects a certain type of mosquito which feeds on humans. "


TJ was aware of the consequences and his conditions because of the disease he was really cautious, he didn't do sports, he only drinks water and avoids everything with chemicals on it. Although he knew all the implications of the disease and all the care he took to be alive he was a sad person. He manages to stay alive along the movie and there was a happy ending.

But I didn't come here to talk about TJ because even though it was depressing to see his story he is not real and he is not sick in real life. Unfortunately, my cousin was not that fortunate. (i will explain).


Two months ago I was really determined to loose wait, but those types of determinations that you just pray but you don't do anything. So I prayed to have malaria and loose 10 kilos. I didn't loose 10 kilos but I had malaria. The first two days I thought it was a silly flu and it would be over in a few days. Malaria thought me a lot during two weeks, I was in constant pain, I had a fever, I felt always dizzy, dry and tired. My body was begging it to stop but God wanted to tell me a lesson to watch what I say. "Be careful with what you wish for because it might happen..."


It did happen to me and I was miserable and hopeless. I am the type of person who never asks for anything and when I am sick I avoid hospitals because I don't believe in them and I try to pretend that everything is ok. But that wasn't the case, I was powerless, weak and afraid. Afraid of dying.

I remember one night that I couldn't sleep and for half an hour I was high because of the total of 12 pills I had taken that day. I was so high that I started talking about random things and laughing about how a mess I look.

Event hough I am shallow and stupid I have faith and God knew it was not my time. After two weeks I felt good and I was ready to live my life.


One month after I survived malaria I received a terrible news, my 14-year-old cousin who had sick cell disease died from malaria. I was speechless and my heart just felt. I started to cry like it was my fault, because deep inside I thought that he didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve to have malaria, he didn't deserve to born with sick cell disease, he didn't deserve to felt that kind of pain and he didn't deserve to die.

If sick cell came from the experiences and studies of the prevention of malaria, how was that possible? why?...


Demetrio was a really kind kid, a kid with dreams of being healthy and happy, who wanted more from life. He was so young and so precious. I remember the first time I looked at him and I asked my mom what was wrong with him? why he was so quiet and looked so old for his age? My mom told me he had sick cell disease and I felt pity for him. The thing about people with a serious disease is that they look unapologetic, they become automatic saints because they are not angry with life, they accept their faith. They carry joy and a good spirit, they know they are fortunate to be alive and they know their time is very limited so they enjoy all the time they can. Demetrio was a good kid, always smiling and playing with other kids.

He knew he was sick but I don't think he understood why and I don't think anybody would understand why a 14 year old kid would die without the chance to go to high school, have a girlfriend, get marry, have children, do something about his life...Demetrio will be fourteen forever...

I am praying every day that you find your peace, my little cousin... I wish we would talk more and I wish I had time to tell you that you were such a strong and amazing kid...


I hope you are watching us.

R.I.P Demetrio Conceicao









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