Hello. My name is Thulani (4th part)

(...) Do you know that feeling when you do something with care and perfection and someone comes and says you did it wrong as if they can do better?! That’s how I see it. They made me and now I want to change.

The next step was going to counseling and starting to take hormones. Taking them made me emotional, hungry all the time and I missed my mom’s cooking. Every day I saw a new side effect, it reminded me when Spiderman was bitten by a spider and I realized that in the end, he didn't get to be with Mary Jane or Gwen. And I thought about Yali…

My co-workers started noticing the changes and making comments about my looks. And then it hit me, they were not so liberal like they pretended to be. I remember once Yali told me that it was just their way to attract media attention for their entertainment business. He was skeptical about everything.

We would spend every day together and when we couldn't see each other because of his busy schedule and the traffic in this chaotic city he would call me every five minutes. Every day I wanted more and I tried to enjoy as much as I could. The thing about falling in love with someone from another nation is that they love you instantly because they don't know your past, they don't know that on Sundays at church when my mom would hold my hands to pray, I wasn't saying prayers, I was just saying random words because I didn't think that I could afford to say the lord’s name carrying something wicked inside of me. 

Even though Yali was a Yodesan he was the only thing that felt home for me. I would just look at him and ask God “Why now?”. Every day it was getting more intimate and I was scared to “come out”, every time he touched me I moved away. He sensed something was wrong and I tried to tell him about the “when’s and why’s”. I didn't know how to explain to him. I really didn't understand anything about this complex world and I didn't want to be another recruit from the LGBT community.

I didn't feel like an outsider anymore because Yali introduced me to everything, he wanted me to try every Yodesan dish and I did. But I didn't like trying new things, I rather eat fast food because for me personally it’s international and makes everyone feel comfortable wherever they go. He often taught me new words in his dialect, like I was a baby learning to speak and he wanted to guide me.

I was leaving work when he surprised me and took me to dinner. He was a wearing a navy blue t-shirt and he looked so handsome. He told me he loved me for the first time and I couldn't stop looking at him, I was amazed by his grace and his skin tone reminded me of cinnamon. I never met anyone so caring and I realized my mother was wrong. Once she told me that man can only love a perfect woman and I hated her for that. For putting in my head her own insecurities. Yali didn't see me as perfection, he saw me as something real.

We went to his white and peaceful apartment. Since there was not a lot of furniture I sat on the bed. He stared at me like usual and said:

 “Nakai mambo” Then he translated “Love me…” How can you love someone when you don't love yourself? 

He started undressing me, he took off my pants slowly, held me closely... I didn’t know what I was supposed to do or what I was allowed to, are girls allowed to touch man’s perfect and warm chest? I wanted to touch him and be in control but when he touched me with his manly hands, I just…I just forgot about everything. I forgot that my dad was dying and I wasn't there; that Yodesans were shady and that I was afraid of this transition. He touched my lips, my neck, my waist and every part of my body…Every part of my body I wanted to change.

I woke up and I left his place. I couldn't be there. I would lie if I said I wanted to die, I didn’t! This man made me alive more than ever in my life. I had to tell him the truth!

He came to my house, he was looking everywhere, touching everything. It was the second time in six months he was there because I couldn't let him get too close. I initiated the conversation by saying:

 “I love you” It was the first time I said it and I continued “I have something to tell you…I am in the process of transitioning to a man…” 
“What?” He couldn't look at me for the first time. 
“I look like a woman but I feel like a man inside.” 
“What?” He couldn't say anything else. Then he said the magical word “Why?” 

Do you know when you are different and people try to understand why? Like for example if you are fat every time they see you they ask “Do you eat a lot of candy?”. Those questions are just stupid and don't show any compassion.

“I don't know how to answer that. My whole life I have been trying to understand it.” 
“What happened? Why? When?” He tried again.
“I didn't go through any trauma when I was young, I wasn't raped or anything that made me want to have a new body… it wasn't like I had gone through any evil experience that made me want to be a man to protect myself, I was a man all along…” 
“How are you a man? I saw you…I know you…you are a woman…my woman…”
“I am yours but I am a man.” I said proudly of myself.
 “It can’t be!” he said. “I can’t…” 
I interrupted “You can’t what? It’s just my appearance that is going to change…My heart will remain the same.”

“Remember on the day we met and we talked about appearance? They say appearance is not all but it wouldn't be so lovely if we just lived in the first day I met you…you were so peaceful…so true to yourself…nothing like a Yodesan…Because on the first day all this baggage would never come…” He finally looked at me.

Lunga Izata

Obs: Please let me know if you are looking forward for the next part :)
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