November the 19th...

Eleven years ago at this exact date, I was introduced to real pain...I was only aware of the feeling of anger, I never felt anything deeper than that. When I was thirteen my uncle died and everything changed from that day on...I was in my room watching tv and I heard my mom scream like crazy, all of the sudden I saw people coming in and out of my house and nobody could explain to me what was happening…They told me to pack my things and go to my aunt’s house and that’s what I did. A few days after, I realized that my uncle was dead and even though I can’t describe the pain I only remember that I couldn’t eat for days, I was never hungry which was not usual coming from someone who´s always in need of food.

As the years went by the feeling of loss became common. Every year someone died, my great-grandmother, my aunt, my cousin, my friend and so on... and I realized that dying was part of living. No matter what I felt they were not coming back but I was finally learning to see the beauty of every loss. We should be grateful for the years we shared together, the chance that we were given, to be a part of someone’s life, in their memory, legacy…My uncle will always be alive in our family photos, in our birthday speeches, and in our thoughts every day. But what happens when you don’t have a memory with that person, you don’t have a picture to show to people that you meant something, that you were part of his life?

Two weeks ago I was minding my own business and living another one of my promises that never happen, to be alone for a while and get to know myself better. I met this guy who didn’t waste any time hiding his intentions towards me, I never felt so “courted” in my life, it was insane! As a normal “getting to know each other process” we would talk every single day and throughout the day, he would tell me the most beautiful things I had heard and didn’t mind spoiling me with compliments. It got to a point that I was scared and I started running away like I always do when something good comes my way. I tried to make him lose interest telling him about my immature days and how much God had to watch me when I was twenty years old, how I had a reputation for being this and that. But guess what? He didn’t care…at all…Surprisingly, he enjoyed my stories and found them funny. His persistence was winning me day by day but still, I wasn’t sure if I could trust him and if it was just another strategic move from typical guys.

He told me how he was ready to have a family and how much he wanted from life. I was amazed by his plans for the future and how passionate he was about everything, from his career to his family. You wouldn’t understand, this guy was supportive, kind, caring and educated. We shared our dreams and he told me that he wanted to be involved in my writing projects in any way. I guess today he can be part of my inspiration and sadness.

Do you know when you finish a relationship and you feel so empty to the point that you don’t want to try again? Still, I was willing to take a chance because he was so motivated to show me that he wanted me that I was falling for him in a way. I remember when I realized that his intentions were real, I told him how I feared dogs and he suggested that I should get used to it because he had two dogs. It showed me that it was serious, that I was a part of his long-term plans and he wasn’t going to give up on me in any way.

He accustomed me to morning, afternoon and evening texts and gentle words at any hour. One morning, after exactly 15 days of being the center of the world to him, I started to once again question his purposes. That day there were no texts, no sign of him…And I wondered if he had run away, if he changed his mind and if I wasn’t precious anymore. After letting my insecurities take over, I finally received a text. I couldn’t understand the meaning, it said: “Lunga He didn’t make it”. And that sentence keeps turning my head till now.

This perfect guy who saw something in me in two weeks that I have not seen it in twenty-four years was dead. Yes! Not alive! Not breathing, not texting…not living! The text, later on, was explained that he was in a car accident and didn't make it. He didn’t make it to being my prince charming, he didn’t make it to proving to me that not all guys are a waste of time, he didn’t make it to being mine…he didn’t make it!

As a compassionate person, I decided to go to his house to give my deepest condolences to his family. I couldn’t begin to imagine how difficult this period must be for them. I know how disheartening it is to lose someone. I intended to provide comfort to them in any way possible.

As I enter his house, I remember that he told me about his mom, a brother, and a sister and that his dad had already passed. I was looking for a familiar face, someone who resembled him. I couldn’t figure out who I had to greet, I didn’t know anyone there, any cousin, any aunt or anyone I could grant strength and cry on their shoulder. I was a stranger to his family, I couldn’t hug anyone and tell them how I was fortunate to have met him.

I sat in a chair looking at the suffering of his family and I saw the dogs, the dogs that I was supposed to get used to in a few months if God had allowed him to have more time. I just wanted more time so I could become a meaningful memory to him, so I would know that he thought about us when he left this world. Was he scared?  What was he thinking in his last minutes? Was he thinking about me? A stranger? What was he thinking?...I can only say that in this exact moment I am thinking about you, how I wanted you to be here with me…

May your soul rest in peace. I just wish WE had more time…

19th of November 2016

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  1. 11/19/2005- the day I found about sadness and loss 😔😔