The truth behind his death...

I haven't been going to work, I am trying to mess up my life in a drastic way. Last week was all about his death, every minute, every second...I had to remind myself constantly that it still doesn’t make sense but I guess I need to live with it. Since he died I went to his house every day for a week, I cleaned, I helped, I listened to their stories and I died inside every day a little more. They didn’t know who I was but it didn't matter..I didn’t care about anything, I just wanted to be around them because nobody from my world could understand what I was going through or could comfort me since they didn't know him. After seven days in a psychological hell, I decided to stop going there...I can’t afford to see that family ever again. I wish them well and I hope they will find the strength to recover from this.

Before I can move on I need to be honest with you guys...I wasn't madly in love, I really wasn't...The truth behind my profound sadness and pain is the fact that I wasn't interested in him. I remember that I was ignoring his texts during the week and one day before he passed way, he wanted to come over to see me and I just avoided his request in every way possible...Do you know why? Because I am tired of getting to know people, of that stupid process of falling in love and starting everything again...tell them your dreams, your passions, open your heart, expose your body, sometimes in reverse order. And then breaking your heart and having to tell yourself once again that it is not your fault and listen to every motivational video for women to emotionally fix you. I am not saying if he was alive we wouldn't get involved, we would eventually because he was really persistent and I knew I would give up anyway like I always do...Have you ever realized that it only takes a man's devotion for a girl to be deeply in love? I am the "certified easy" and needy type...Yes, I said it!

I remember when my friend lost her boyfriend she confessed to me that she didn't love him. He was very into her, the kind and passionate boyfriend type. When she told me that I was mad at her for years because I couldn't understand how she could be so cold. Today I have realized that death allows us to be transparent, to be released from secrets and unsaid things. I didn’t have feelings for him but I am human and I can truly say that his death completely broke me inside.

What really killed me was the fact that he tried to have me, that I was the last thing life allowed him to wish for. Acknowledging the truth left me in a mental and emotional state of mind that damaged my soul. I have prayed every day to go back in time and have met him that day, have spent the whole day with him, do whatever he wanted to do because he was about to leave this world. Sometimes I think, had I replied him or done anything different that day it could have changed everything. 

While it was happening I was so happy, I was attending my cousin’s wedding and I was enjoying my family and having a great time. Nothing warned me about this...I was smiling, taking selfies and he was in terrible physical pain. I wish I was there, I wish I could have done something and till today I pray we can go back in time and try to bring him back.

I am living with guilt and shame, I need to punish myself somehow! I have been sleeping on the sofa because I don't deserve to continue to sleep in my bed and have beautiful dreams. I want to feel miserable and I hope something severe happens, to change me. I want to lose something that will remind me of his death. I want people to say "After that, she was never the same...she couldn’t play soccer anymore...she couldn’t play the piano..." LOL. I don't play any instrument or sports I am just trying to explain that people cannot continue to live their lives without his presence without suffering a major change.

I am naturally a suicidal person and my emotional instability does not help me at all. I had an accident yesterday and I admit I wanted to die, I could make sure I wasn’t here writing but I had a friend with me and I couldn’t be so selfish. I know you are probably wondering why I wanted to die because of a guy I only met last month, right? Because I don't care if he was my husband, boyfriend, friend or a stranger, I am loyal to my sorrow and I can only say that I am tired of this fucking life. Yesterday I was in charge to decide my faith but he wasn’t because he was not the one driving. The other day I saw his killer, he seemed worried and I could see guilt in his face. But it's not enough! I want him to feel as bad as I feel for not texting him that day, I want him to die inside and never smile again. You can probably tell that I am the most dramatic person ever but if you knew what I went through last week you would understand me. 

Following the attempts to ruin my life, I was fired two days ago because I stopped going to work. I think I did everything possible to be fired because I think I deserve this. I was working for one of the biggest construction projects in Angola, I had a good salary and the office was located 5 minutes from home. I know I am insane but now I can say that I also lost something and I am proud of that because in ten years from now I will never forget "the guy who died and eventually made me lose a great professional opportunity".

I still can't figure out why I was part of this story but I finally understand the lesson behind this. I have learned that everyone is going to die and they have a scheduled day to heaven and nobody can change that.I am not afraid of dying anymore…But I am scared to go through this process of grief again... Life hurts more than death. Today I woke up feeling good and I know tomorrow and every upcoming day I will get better and better. I have told myself that he is dead, completely dead... And he will never come back! 

Lunga Noélia Izata

2nd December 2016

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